he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
