You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
