I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Randomize
