i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
