halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
