Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
