I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize