I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
