I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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