Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
