Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
