hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
