i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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