Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
