what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
