haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
