I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Randomize
