My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
