you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
