Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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