She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
