ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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