The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
