You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
