she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I did not marry a roomba.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
