the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
