Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
