I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
