I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
