Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
