im drinking this country out of the recession.
her vagine was all disorganized.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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