Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
