How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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