Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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