i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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