One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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