well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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