Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
