I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
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