I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
