Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
