True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
