I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
