I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
