You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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