Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
