I love black thongs
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
