I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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