Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
