There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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