My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
