she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
