i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So here I am, sexting at work.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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