I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
