I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
then he tried to convert me to islam
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I think I just sharted jello shots
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