My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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