we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
