I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
