All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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